Love.

I love the people in my life like this polar bear loves his tube.  Happy Valentine's Day!

One Saturday Morning

I got my first piece of mail at my new address!  I love it because in addition to the fact that it's from my loverly friend Brittany who I haven't seen for ages, it's a letter.  A what, you say?  Yes, an old-fashioned, hand-written letter with a pretty little stamp.  After years and years of email, it is so nice to actually hold some tangible communication in my hand.  There is definitely something about it that I will to continue to appreciate, especially as the anticipation of receiving contact from people decreases as our instant gratification increases with smart phones and the like. Oh, and the letter is written in scribbly cursive.    How cute is she?

Last night, I had the chance to see my friends who live in the city and check out the downtown nightlife.  This was lamely the first weekend that I actually turned off the Discovery Channel, stood up my lazy butt, and got out like a normal 20-something since I moved here.  It was fun to squeeze 5 people into a cab, discuss crocodiles and midgets with our cabbie, and walk past strips of trendy bars.  Despite the hot, sweaty, smelliness of the crowded club we chose and the $5 beer ("welcome to DC" was the response to my dismay of my debit card receipt), we were able to boogie to some old school tunes.  It was a refreshing change from the generally bad quality pop music usually heard in clubs.  A segment of our sing-along soundtrack went something like:
"my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun!" --> "I don't wanna lose your love toniight!" --> "I traveled the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for somethin"--> "I can call you betty and betty when you call me you can callll meee allllll" -->"bum, bedaboomdop! don't stop til' you get enough!"
... Yeah, I have no idea what those MJ lyrics are.  Does anybody, really?

As my sister would say, noyce.

The evening ended with a very nervous taxi ride.  For those of you who grew up in the 'burbs, you know what I mean.  Riding in a car with a stranger at 2am is bad enough--the fact that I had no idea where I was in terms of orientation to my apartment made me revert to referencing the hours of SVU I watched in my first week here.  This guy could have driven me to Georgia and I wouldn't have known.  I thought I was in the clear until he started asking me where he should turn.  Eek.  After a couple U-turns, we magically came about a street I recognized and was somehow able to navigate him.  But dear lawd, nerves were a-jumping.

Happy Weekend!

Benny

This sneaks up on me every year.  It is a solemn day that marks the anniversary of the most heartbreaking event of my life.  Five years ago today—February 7^th---my loving, smart, discotek-throwing friend Ben took his own life.  Every day since then, I ask myself a million questions.  Why didn’t I see it coming?  Why didn’t any one else?  Why did he make a coffee date with me for the next week?  How did he do it?  Why didn’t he want to be saved?

I’m a writer.  Writing is what I do. When something happens that moves me, I write.  But today, I was numb and sorely out of words.  He is missed by so many people, it’s amazing how one person can move so many people.  To think, to write, to share their love.  So, after reading some messages from his friends and family, I am just going to start.  As hard as this is, this is for Benny and for anyone else who knew him.

When I think about him, I smile. I re-live every single moment we had together.  Spending time with Benny was different than spending time with anyone else.  There was always intelligent conversation and a grasp on reality that shone through his maturity.  Thinking that 5 years have gone by, and what he would be like today, I am sure that he would be very much the same person.  The rest of us have just been catching up to where he was.  Now, as I grow older and further away from that 17-year-old Benny, I don’t know what I am going to do.  Except to remember these things.

Every morning of senior year of high school, I would walk through the front doors at 7:20am and there he was, sitting in the same spot in front of the art room.  He waved to me with his pinky, and then got up and give me a huge hug like he hadn’t seen me in weeks.  He gave the absolute best hugs in the world.  He would wrap his arms and shoulders around me, and despite how skinny he was, it was like being hugged by an 800-pound teddy bear.  And no hug ever wavered.  He gave me three bear hugs the last time I saw him, but three was not enough.  I want a million more to save up for the rest of my life.

A couple months before he died, he and I were walking in the hallway together.  All of a sudden he said, “You’ll be getting a surprise soon!”  I was clueless but a few days later, there it was in the mail: an envelope addressed to me.    I will never forget the front of that envelope.  In the corner he drew a little picture of a stick figure on a mountain with a speech bubble saying, “woot!”.  It made me laugh.  He always made me laugh.  The note inside was scribbled in pencil on a piece of lined paper, and it said how much he missed having class together and how he wanted to catch up sometime.  I remember being so overwhelmed with appreciation when I got that letter.  I thought, “who else would do that?” No one, that’s who.  But it was no big deal to him.  It was just what he did.  That is what made Benny Benny.

There were so many reasons why I loved him.  The hugs.  The letters.  The Thin Mints he put in my locker.  The way he called our little crew his ‘familie’.  The layers of pants—the average was three.  My favorites were the smiley face ones!  His Sharpie fetish.  The little dance he did when something excited him.  His artistic knowledge.  His quirky sense of humor.  He was the most original person I knew, and I hate that I didn’t embrace that fully when he was still here.

But Ben changed me forever.  He showed me with grace and truth that I could be whoever I want to.  I could do whatever I want and never, ever be ashamed of who I was, what I said, and how I felt because he never, ever did.  He taught me that I can clash my clothes and wear paper clips in my ears and I would still be a wonderful person.  He was a fierce friend and I know that he cared about me deeply.  I hope he knows that I still love him and that I hate that he was hurting so much that he needed to leave us.  But I also hope that he is happy wherever he is and that he knows I can feel his radiant smile shining on me right now.  I don’t know if I believe in God, but I do know Benny can see me.

This is my favorite picture of him:

What a smile, huh?

"Food Blog"

This photo entry is dedicated to my mother.  When we found out I was moving away to my very own apartment, she, with a look of slight lack of faith, frequently reminded me that I was going to have to cook for myself.  Well, mom, with one week down, I hope I did you proud:

Pasta & Pesto chicken.

Patty melt.

Wegmans Super Pasta.  Okay, this doesn't really count, but I actually tried it voluntarily, so points for that.
However, I don't think it still counts as "super" since it's smothered in mozzerella cheese ...

I'm a big girl now

Things I did in the past 24 hours that I am proud of:

- killed an ENORME daddy-long-legs.  it was terrifying and disgusting and I will spare you the details.  let's just say it died in more pieces than Rupert & Wanda, and it was not fun going at it alone.
- took the bus to work, and arrived early.
- got hooked up to a 2-monitor computer.  schmancy!
- didn't have to double check the metro map to find out which route I was taking.  I knew.
- took the metro.
- changed my shoes on the metro.
- went to a college alumni event, wore a name tag with my year on it, networked, collected business cards. So adult.
- bought a SmarTrip card that can get me on the metro and busses with an easy swipe.
- used said SmarTrip card.
- in the dark, got off the right stop from the bus without having to ask the bus driver.  though he did look kind.
- ordered my own business cards.

woot.

It starts.

I keep trying to start this entry but I am so distracted by the renewed presence of cable TV in my life,  I have had this "new post" page up for 45 minutes.  It's the third episode in a row of SVU... thank you USA! 

Okay, let's go! (2 hours later) ...

Welp, this is it. The starting of the next pod of life.  Up the hill I go.  I packed up my life into boxes, said goodbye to the home in which grew up, and drove my car to new city to start an internship at an organization I know very little about.  The adventure began right at the start.  After a drudge-like drive on a snowy route 15, we arrived at my new address.  And there was no light to be seen. Yep, there was no power in the house due to the snowstorm.  So, we carried my boxes, bin of shoes, bags of clothes, and more bags of clothes into an apartment that I still hadn't seen.  That was a little unsettling, but it seemed nice in the dark.  With the possibility of a cold night ahead of us, we took a drive around the neighborhood and wound up driving down Capitol Avenue, with the Capitol building right in front of us.  Pretty cool.  Then the Washington and Jefferson monuments showed up.  This is when I realized that I really was living in Washington DC.  It was a pretty crazy feeling (spending the next day walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, taking the bus and metro, and perusing dinosaur fossils at the Smithsonian helped too).  And when we arrived back from our drive, the power was back!  The warmth and lights returned and I was able to take a real look at the place, and it is beyond adorable.

And now here I sit, in a cozy, colorful, and well-decorated basement apartment that is the perfect little perch for a girl like me.  And ironically, like my last apartment, the walls in each room are painted a different bold color--my bathroom is purple, bedroom is yellow, and my kitchen is a lovely, smokey blue.  I even have fancy wood coat hangers, foldable closet-style doors to my bathroom, a lap table for TV dinners, and a red teapot.  Totes adorbs:

My entranceway.

Fancy hangers, paper lamp, coats, & boots.

Kitchen.

Tea & dinner tray.  I'm a grandma.

Cash Cab is on!

Resolved

In the belated New Years spirit ...

There's always so much pressure to come up with a good New Year's resolution.  I always forget to start brainstorming until around December 30, and by the time midnight on the 31st, I just have to scramble to think of something so I can start.  And, how many times have I actually kept a New Years Resolution?  Zip.  It always seems that we are so ready to start anew and we do really well the first month (or maybe two, if they we are really good), but once March rolls around new goals have faded into the background.  And, at least for me, by April I have forgotten what resolution I made in the first place.  But how to get the most out of life if there isn't a challenge to be accepted? (<-- to be read in a Barney Stinson-esque voice).

Thus, I was thrilled when my good friend Travis told me of a new take on resolutions that he was doing.  I don't know if it was the spirit of New Years Day in New York City or the magically delicious salsa we were sharing at Jalapeno (what was in that salsa?!  I must find out!) , but I was inspired and pledged to begin immediately:  Monthly resolutions.  Yes, a new life resolution for every month.  This is makes so much more sense than a full year resolution, I don't know why I hadn't heard of or tried it before.  And the cool thing about this is if one is going well, you can keep it up and add another one, or just extend it into another month.  You could keep this going for years!

For example, I chose to give up the crispy, greasy, breakfasty- and burger-y goodness of bacon for the month of January.  And, with 6 days to go, I can say I have succeeded.  (We are going to ignore that very small but decadent slice of quiche I had at a wedding a couple weeks ago ...  hey, no one's perfect.)

Here is my brainstorm for options to take on in the coming months.    I welcome any additions and encourage any fellow resolution non-keepers to start your own list!:

• Read a book all the way through
• Write a pen-and-paper letters to my friends and family
• Limit dessert to once a week
• Blog at least 2 times a week
• Take at least one photo a day (and post it?)
• Try new foods--order something I usually wouldn't when I go out, and wander into a new aisle at the grocery store
• Eat all organic
• Watch/rent only foreign films
• Try 5 news recipes
• Read the newspaper/online news fully every day
• Go to community events/museum events/exhibits at least twice
• Find a volunteer opportunity for the weekends
• Eat vegetarian
• Do an art project, like a T-Shirt blanket or scrapbook
• Call and update the grandparents
• Go to a religious service of a different religion
• Buy a homeless person a meal
• Blog about the resolution completed (or not completed) at the end of each month!

What are your resolutions?

Tanti Auguri

To my long-time-no-blog-buddy in the Netherlands ... 

Happy birthday, Tim!  As a present, I give you a shout out on my blog, a link to your website, and the full-hearted effort to start blog-swapping with you again.   And this:

Baci from New York!

And the world spins madly on

There's been a lot going on these days.

Since I last wrote, I've gotten my first pedicure, taken two weekend trips to the Big Apple, gotten my nose pierced, had my first ever experience shopping at TJMaxx, and been offered an internship in Washington, DC.  Talk about life changes!

For the curious: Besides the few moments of excruciating ticklishness that I tried my hardest to mask with a face of relaxation, my pedicure was lovely and I am thrilled with the color I picked-- a deep, beautiful "Catherine the Grape" purple by OPI.

NYC was a blast, I enjoyed using public transportation (what can I say?  I'm a suburban gal), stopping to take photos like a first-time tourist, Central Park, meeting and taking a photo with Cookie Monster on the street (the best dollar we spent), and walking hand-in-hand with a handsome fellow.  Teehehe.

My nose is a little numb from the piercing, which I hope is normal ... I'm liking the new style.  However, I'm constantly feeling like the left side of my face doesn't get completely dry because I have to avoid my left nose with my towel so it doesn't get snagged.  Left nose?  Yeah.

I scored at TJMaxx and am confused as how I've never shopped there before. 3 colorful satiny, ruffly tops, work pants from The Limited, sweater dress.  $85!  I have no shame.

And for the biggest piece of news, that whole moving to DC thing.  Yeah.  I'm excited and terrified all at the same time, since I know nothing about DC, besides the fact that my many friends who live there already love it.  That's been encouraging. However, I'm at appx. T-8 days to moving and have yet to have a definite place to live.  Eek.  To live on the edge ... Once I get my living situation figured out,  I will stop freaking out, which is something my friends and family have been experiencing from me quite a lot these days.  But DC will be an adventure, and I'm excited to start this new phase in my life that could launch me into something even more exciting!  Imagine that!  And I get to live the city lifestyle (I get to ride a bus!  And a metro!).

I also feel compelled to share an incredible piece of art discovered on Youtube.  Oh, 'tubey, how you have been a friend to me.  From mindless entertainment to full Disney movies (in 10 parts!) and moving pieces, you will never cease to have a place in my bookmarks bar.  But this 3-minute video may be my favorite thing, like, ever.  It is music meets choreography meets dance meets drawing meets animation.  I think what I love so much about this is that it's a wonderful example of collaboration.  I'm really curious what people's interpretations of the piece are.  I've read the comments on youtube and discussed it with friends, but there is so much there.  Every time I watch it, I find something new to help me understand it more deeply-- tiny little details in every movement and every frame.  I'm going to wait a few days to give my share-- I hope you watch it first, and I would love to hear thoughts.

And here's a link to the making of in the description which is worth watching, too.

And the world spins madly on ...

Floating in Space

Wow.  Remember that time I had a blog?  I don't know what is going on-- it is quite strange.  I am usually full of words but over the past month or so, I have been feeling empty of wisdom and share-able energy.  I shall re-discover my inspiration soon... perhaps some resolutions, revelations, or something of that sort for the New Year.

In the meantime, I hope everyone's holidays were/are will be happy.  Mine was not as festive as usual, with everyone in the family more spread out every year.  I has some pictures to show how awesome I made the more involved evenings:

Potatoes + gallons of oil = latkes

Latkes, wine, and menorah.  Successs

Night 8!

Oh, also, I haven't mentioned that I had completed a life goal this month.  Call me crazy, or a weirdo groupie (I don't deny it), but I can finally say I have met, chatted with, and hugged all current members of Guster!  In combination with the photos from my November 1st entry, I can add these to the mix after a  short set they played in my hometown earlier this month:

Thundergod 

Adam!!!

VIP-ness is thanks to the fantastic Luke Reynolds, who is not only a kick-ass musician but also one of the coolest guys ever (and whose new album, "Maps", is a gem).  The title of this entry is a nod to my favorite song on the album, which is on repeat in my car as of last week.  It is also comparable to the way I've been lost in my blogging ways, but remembering that yes, I DO still exist in the blogosphere!

More soon.  Thanks for not giving up on me.